Shopaholic @ the Great Singapore Sale

W (on the phone): Hi X, are you here yet?
X: I'm at level 3
W: Oh, okay... but there's no level 3. Are you at level 5?
X: No! I'm at level 3
W: Oh okay, but, there's no level 3. Shall I meet you at level 1?
X: I'm at level 3 at Suntec City. Got Great Singapore Sale leh my friend.
W: Er... Suntec City... okay so what time will you be here? It's half an hour past your appointment time and I have another one soon.
X: Very fast one, very fast.
W: Okay, since you are at Suntec City, I think you'll be here in 15 min.
X: Okay

20 min later

W: Hi X, are you reaching yet?
X: I'm at level 4
W: Oh great! I'll come up to meet you
X: Oh I'm at level 4 of Marina Square. My wife want to shop at G2000, got big sale very cheap.
W: Hey but our appointment time is almost over. Will you be coming over now?
X: No la! She just went in only cos got sale.

Ooh! Ow! Eew! Ouch!

This post is dedicated to my ex-colleague OBB… an incident during a messy renovation time.

W: Ahhhhh I cannot believe my couple insists on entering the hotel which is now just grey cement with wires popping out from all directions and mud floor with sparks flying all over! And… they want me to go into that hazardous place with them!
OBB (calmly): Ask them if they value their life. If not you can bring them in.
W: Huh! I bring ah? I value my life leh…
OBB: I can bring them in.
W: Huh! Really! Yeahhhh we’ll go together? Are we allowed to go in? I don’t mind seeing a half-renovated hotel.
OBB: Can sneak in la. Dusty only.

2 days later:

OBB (pointing to Mr X & Mrs X’s feet): Okay you and you, please remove your shoes
W: (whispering): Eh but OBB, the floor is… is full of nails
OBB: (pointing to W): Oh you, no need.
W: Oh!

Mr X & Mrs X obediently remove their shoes looking worried

W: (whispering) er… safe or not…
OBB: Yes safe. If we disturb we must disturb all the way…

After 5 min:

Mr X: (looking anxiously at the floor) Okay I think we go now
Mrs X: (glancing at husband) Yes yes I think the ballroom looks good, looks okay.

W: (whispering) We’ve barely seen the ballroom… what’s this x-ray vision or what.

Walking back to our office:

OBB: (walking on tip toe) Ooh! Ow! Ew!

Haha… OBB I miss you dearly!

Free Voucher

Over the phone:

A: Eh eh I starving leh.
W: Oh! I think you'd better eat something before your wedding first then.
A: Wah liao eh! I starving to death! My wife starving to death! My wife leh my WIFE.
W: Okay... would you like to order room service? I can help you place an order
A: Room service... free ah?
W: Well room service is charged, how much depends on your order.
A: No la free la.
W: What would you like to have?
A: I must know free or not first right, if free of course I order most expensive one, if not free I don't order.
W: Hey actually, your suite comes with a $100 F&B voucher compliments of the hotel, you can use this voucher for your room service, so it's actually free.
A: Huh use my free voucher! Cannot la... you give me free voucher then make me use on room service... cheating!

Are you going to Quit?

X: Eh eh it's me leh. Eh I ask you ah, are you still working at xxx?
W: Er yes, who's this?
X: Me la me, eh you still there right?
W: Yes... and you are?
X: Orh I am xxx la! Aiyo you don't remember ah.
W: Oh yes! I definitely remember, just didnt' recognise your voice so quickly.
X: Oh then ah, are you quitting soon or not? *meek laugh*
W: ... er no... why?
X: You better not quit ah! My wedding is December leh you BETTER not quit before my wedding. But will you quit before my wedding or not? Huh? You got think of if it or not?
W: Actually, don't worry I don't even intend to.
X: Oh then your Chef leh? Is he going to quit soon? I saw him he look so old like going to quit soon. Cannot quit leh, if not later the food sucks then my wedding leh...

12 midnight

X: We need to reduce our attendance by 2 tables.

W: Hey, but your wedding is today… actually, we’ve ordered and paid for the food. But how about I check with the Chef first and get back to you?

X: No what the wedding is tomorrow.

W: Erm yes kind of, but it’s 11.55pm now so it’s almost your wedding day in about 5 minutes…

X: 1 day before tell you cannot meh?

W: As we know it's actually 7 days notice. But hey don’t worry about it, let me check and get back to you.

X: Okay I wait for your call

W: Alright, I’ll call you first thing in the morning.

X: Huh?? So important then you should check now right?

W: Hey I’m sleeping halfway… and I think my Chef is too.

X: Oh, but the hotel still open right…

Case of the Drunken Barman

X: We are bringing in our own wine. Is that okay?

W: Sure! Feel free to do so

X: Our wine has been kept for very long. Some spoil already. But I don’t know which one.

W: Oh… I think it’s better you bring those that are very likely not spoilt then. You might want to get new bottles?

X: Of course not! I’m not going to spend money on my guests. I don’t even think they will give me enough ang pow. So how?

W: Mm, I guess you can try to see which wines are least likely to be spoilt. It won’t be very nice serving them spoilt wine.

X: Huh, that’s the best you can do? We want your barman to open each bottle and taste a mouthful of it to see if it’s spoilt.

W: Er but he will be real drunk at the end as you will probably open many bottles…

X: But he’s a barman! Barman you know! *huge sigh*

We are not Happy

X: We have decided to book with your hotel even though you can’t give us the perks we want, because your service is so good, so we will sacrifice the perks and sign with you.

W: Okay great! When would you like to come by?

X: When we can get more perks

W: Oh…what would you be looking at?

X: Two bottles of wine per table. Free.

W: You’re looking at a peak date, as per our latest email is the best package we can extend, unless you have alternative dates that are “less hot”

X: Sigh. How do you expect us to sign up when the service is so bad… you know that we just look at perks what, who will give up perks just to sign up somewhere… you should review our package…

2 days later:

X: We have decided to book your hotel

W: Okay great! When would you like to come by?

X: We just want you to know we are booking reluctantly because you refuse to give us what we want.

W: Oh, no problem let’s take our time. It’s best we iron out the package to ensure you are most comfortable with what you are signing up for.

X: We want to book! But I want you to remember we are not happy.

Beware the Hungry Ghost Festival

X: Hey can we have free bottle of wine per table?
Y: Hmm, not unless you have your wedding on a weekday. Yours is a Sunday you see.
X: But… it’s just one day before the Ghost Month!
Y: Yes but just before Ghost Month are hot dates, as everyone is trying to avoid the ghost month.
X: But… all the ghosts will be out…
Y: Huh?
X: I mean, in some time zones, the ghosts are already out.
Y: You mean like the Swiss ghosts and the Swedish ghosts…
X: Nooo I mean those in the Japan area. The Japanese ghosts.
Y: … …
X: So, can I have my one bottle of wine per table?
Y: Er, no!

Did You, or Did You Not

Sunday, 4.08pm

D: Photocopy the guest list for me. I have no time to do. I don’t want to use the business center so expensive. Pay pay pay everything make me pay.
W: Okay then… but do pass me your guest list.
D: I email to you already! Never check!
W: I will check, and when did you email it?
D: Email already means email already! Wah lau never check your email. Not doing your homework...

*finds email sent Sunday, 4.07pm.

Sunday, 6.30pm

W (to helpers): Is the guest list okay? I've done both the A3 and A4 version.
Helper: Yes good good. Thanks

Monday, 2.15pm

D (to W’s boss): Ask her to photocopy guest list never even do! What kind of service is that? I had to do it myself! Me! On my own wedding!
W (smiling): In fact I had passed A3 and A4 sized versions to your helpers. They were using it at the foyer.
D: I was the one who did that! I had to do it myself! I have a good memory…

The Mystery of Baby Amos and the Vegetable Eaters

A: I sent you the entire guest list, you consolidate for me.

W: Let me see... okay I think it's better you consolidate it first because I can't tell who's muslim or vegeterian...

A: Huh! The ones with Malay names are Muslim of course!

W: Hmm, okay... And the vegetarians?

A: Please lah which one vegetarian you also don't know?

W: No I don't. They don't have vegetarian names

A: Eh please okay. I also need baby chair

W: Okay baby chairs at which table?

A: Eh please okay. Don't try to be funny! table 5, 9 and 10. Can't you see??

W: Er no... I don't know which are baby names...

A: Please okay! Amos is a baby! Sally is a baby!!!

W: Yes but I wouldn't know. It doesn't say Baby Amos or Baby Sally.

A: Aiya you like that also don't know! Don't know don't know. Everything don't know! Need to spoonfeed you?? I tell you ah, you better read properly and see which is baby. Got Malay baby also you better take note...

My Hidden Talent

Today's Impulse Behaviour:
Snitching a poem from the Obituary section of the Chinese Newspapers



A: I'm printing a poem on my invite.

W: Wow that's great!

A: Yes I'm going to fax it to you.

W: Huh? Why?

A: Help me translate in Chinese.

W: Huh!

A: What's your fax number?

W: Hey! My Chinese is real bad... your poem might become... really weird

A: I need it in Chinese!

W: Hey sorry to be so straight forward but you have to do it yourself. I'm not a poet from the ancient times you know. Do you have a Chinese dictionary?

A: But I need it in Chinese! I've already found your fax number and am faxing it to you already. Let me know in 15 minutes, thanks. By the way I'm leaving the house already, so don't call me, I'm going to a friend's party until late at night.

Poem of the Day: (my translation)

"To my dear faithful departed
Hope that you will be happy in God's arms
We will miss you dearly
God loves you"

The Tragic Tale of 2 Potatoes